Why are you wearing tight, glow-in-the-dark Lycra?
As you embark on the couch to 5K training plan, you’re going to be spending a lot more time outdoors. This exponentially increases your chances of bumping into a familiar face when you’re all trussed up in your run kit.
Remember: even if you don’t feel like it inside, now is the time to front it. Hold your nerve, stick your chin out and declare that you’re a runner! If you run, you’re a runner, even if it’s only a mile. Wear your run kit with pride.
Isn’t running bad for your knees?
Now that you’re a runner, prepare to hear this infuriating question every week until the end of time. The fact is arthritis is genetic, and NOT caused by running. If you already suffer from the condition then running might mess with your knees, but research has proven that exercise actually helps keep your joints supple. So in short, tell anyone who asks you this stupid question to shut the hell up, and remember: NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS.
Do you really need those expensive trainers?
Does a bear s**t in the woods? Of course you need spangly new kit! You’re working your *** off to better yourself and transform your health and fitness. You DESERVE every damn piece of running kit in the shop if that’s what makes you feel good.
You don’t look like a runner
Resist the urge to smack anyone in the face who says this to you, as we don’t want you to get arrested. But if an acquaintance does utter these hateful words, remind them that runners come in all glorious shapes and sizes and Oprah Winfrey ran a sub 4.29 marathon. Then slap them just light enough to not leave an incriminating mark and delete them from your Christmas card list. You don’t need negativity like that in your life.
Do you walk?
Well duh, of course you walk. Rome wasn’t built in a day and as everyone knows, you can’t run before you can walk. Walk-running is an essential aspect of learning to adjust to high-impact exercise and is not to be sniffed at. When someone asks you this question, politely remind them you’re at the start of a life-changing and spiritual revolution, while they’re sat on their fat ass doing nothing. Then turn and walk away (with added run breaks, naturally).
Wouldn’t you rather go to the pub?
Actually we’d rather be at Disney Land drinking cocktails with Bugs Bunny in a hot tub, but learning to love your body through the power of movement is the next best thing. When someone asks you this daft question, simply say ‘see you for a pint at 8, I’ll meet you after my run.’ Then swan into the bar glowing with post-run glory.
How long does it take to run 5K?
Non-runners (AKA haters) will keep asking you this impertinent question until you’re blue in the face. It’s important not to let the haters get you down. You CAN and you WILL run 5K! And once you’ve achieved it, you will go on to run 10K, and then you’ll keep on running until you’ve nailed all of your fitness goals. And then you will run them all over again, just for the joy of a shiny medal.
Are you on a crazy health kick?
Yes, it’s called changing your life for the better you shmuck. Join us.